The Happy Baby´s Blog: parenthood journal

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Last year, 2014, my husband and I decided that it was time to expand our family and bring a little one into our lives. We had already been married for 5 years, so it was pretty clear that it was about time. However, it had always been a dream of mine to have a little one born around the same month that we got married, and for that, we had to get pregnant during January or February. Since the year was passed those months, we chose to take advantage of the time until the next January and February to start saving, researching for the best baby items, and to learn as much as we could about pregnancy and baby-related things; Thus, I created this blog. Since economy isn't still in the brightest of days for us, we had to just think it through and think it right. I thought that starting to buy things this ahead of time would be very clever as the expense would be way less by the time we actually got pregnant and/or the little one arrived.

At the beginning of the year 2015, I went to have my routine check-up and I thought of asking something out of the blue to my OB/GYN. I was gaining some weird weight and getting extra facial hair. Yes, I am having the guts to say that I was getting harrier than I was used to, and for a girl that is very vain, this was already a struggle since I come from a hairy family. So after comparing myself to Chewbacca, the OB/GYN decided to check my labs, which I had taken a few months before after having an ocular migraine. I mean, I knew that my body was changing, after all, I am in my 30s, and I figured the hairy thing must be hormone related. However, I was not expecting to hear what she had to say.

It appeared that for some strange reason, my thyroid was not working the way it was supposed to. That would explain why the days between my period were totally off, when I used to be so regular, and why my hormones were creating the weight gain and extra likeliness to our favorite galactic wookie. She diagnosed me with hypothyroidism; I was shaken up! I had never taken prescription medicine before, aside of when getting the occasional laryngitis that required antibiotics. Nonetheless, her words were sort of; “If you don't take the medication and you get pregnant, you can have a miscarriage.” Oh no, how could this be? It scared me to think that in our first attempt to get pregnant we could risk loosing the baby; I felt broken. The good thing was that there was a fix to it, however, I was always scared to think that I was going to forget not to take it, and with my super-paranoid powers, stress was just building up those first months.

So the quest into parenthood started. I do have to confess that we did not have a good start, since we were very, VERY stressed about the whole situation with my medication, and my husband was actually getting over a very nasty cold. My hormones started to regularize with the medication, which was a great thing, since it would help with timing ovulation and it proved that the whole thing I was dealing with was hormone related. Nonetheless, at the beginning I was very grumpy, and emotional about everything. Valentine's day was coming and I was hoping that we were pregnant just to be able to feel like the announcement was special. I know, a little selfish in that matter, but when we found out we were not pregnant, we thought: “Well, it was just the first try. It is rare to get it the first time.” Still, we were sad. I never realized how saddening the results in a pregnancy test could be whenever you are trying to conceive.

The second time was dragging me into full tension mode. I felt like I needed to get pregnant or else it was never going to happen. Yes, the drama again! You have to consider that though this sounds very selfish, since other people have been trying to get pregnant for many years, my hormones were going through a “rebooting” process. So in a way, my subconscious was making me very dramatic. I was scared to want this so bad, that I was going to end up having a phantom pregnancy, and I truly did not want to go through it and end up with a broken heart. For the second time, we were not pregnant--again.

For someone that had been wanting to become a mommy ever since she was 12, and waiting 5 years after getting married, every cycle that passed was completely torture. I was 34, and the OB/GYN had already warned me that after 35 everything could end up being more complicated. I knew that, because I went into billing and coding for a while and there, I learned that after 35, a first-time-pregnancy is considered high-risk. So healthy or not, the chances were not very promising and I felt insecure about it for the first time in my life. I honestly felt vulnerable and angry at myself for waiting so long.

Try, wait, period, wait, try, wait, period, wait, repeat.

Month after month, and soon I started feeling helpless. Was this what the universe wanted? I did say that I was starting to get dramatic, right? I can't really compare my frustration to those that have been trying for years, because we have only been trying for one. However, that builds into guilt, because that is the point; we just started trying, and we are not getting any younger.

I grew up knowing that in my paternal side of the family, 1 male per generation is sterile. I don't know how true this is, but you usually believe adults when they say such things, and since my dad's youngest brother couldn't have kids, you just grow up wondering. I know that one of my paternal grandmother's sister had a lot of trouble getting pregnant and she got pregnant finally when she a bit older than expected. I mean, my uncle was just one year older than me. But then, the thing was that it was only supposed to affect males, and that is why my brother was all mortified. Like if it was a rule of thumb, and he could be the next childless relative of our generation. I remember feeling relieved just for the fact that I was not a male, and that most of my dominant genes comes from my mom's side of the family. However, after being diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, I did not know what to think anymore. I even thought that it could be the reason behind some of my paternal side of the family's issues with weight and men loosing their hair at a very early age. Funny little things those hormones, little craziness that can change your whole life.

Try, wait, period, wait, try, wait, period, wait, repeat.

Another month, another “Not Pregnant” result. How am I not to get angry? Was I the creator of my own predicament? When do you even get to the point of “that's enough”! I honestly don't know how other couples bare this month after month, and then for years. We've only been trying for a year and I am ready to pull my hair out. Of course that passing half the year, we decided to stop stressing about it, and pretend that it wasn't our goal. Just to avoid the same stress that could be causing us the harm. Every time I felt my breasts bigger, I just pretend it wasn't happening. Every time I felt sick to my stomach, I pretended it was just something I ate that didn't agree with me. I did not want to get excited and then disappointed when my period came.

The OB/GYN said that if we didn't get pregnant in a year, that we had to follow-up to see if there was something going on that required looking into. I am scared, because our time is almost up and next month it will be “that year” she talked about. I truly have to find courage to face that other than having unlucky odds or bad timing, there could be something else that could end our journey right before it starts. I have told my husband many times during these last months that; maybe it's just not meant to be. I do not feel good about thinking this way after just trying for about a year. However, it does help getting through the next cycle. We are not giving up, but I am not going to brainwash myself anymore thinking that because my great grandmother had 12 kids, and both my mom's and dad's side have 4 to 5 siblings, that the odds should be in our favor.

The reality is that we live in a different time. We live in a time where both the man and the woman live under so much stress, that it has become the new “norm”. If you are not stressed, it's like, there is something wrong with you. We live in a time where the food quality is not what our parents and grandparents were used to, and trying to get quality food means sacrificing almost everything, just because prices are so high. We live in times were unlike our parents, who had us in their mid 20s, and our grandparents, who had our parents in their late teens-early 20s, we are having our kids really late in life. It just makes me wonder if society is changing for the better or for the worse.

I am still left with hopes. I hope that we, as human species, can adapt our physical bodies to the demands of our social endeavors that do not affect our biological goals.

I love my husband so much, and I can only imagine how sad he gets every time I tell him it was a no-go. I know that he feels pressure in a way, because technically only him and his brother will carry their last name to the next generation. Almost as much as my brother and one of my male cousin; I do understand. I guess in a way it is a cultural thing, and one of the reasons why it can also become frustrating. However, my dearest husband has been so very supportive throughout this year. For obvious reasons, getting pregnant requires teamwork. He has been there throughout my ups and downs, and totally a team player when my hormones get out of wack, and start over reacting within my same frustration. He has exceeded my expectations as my one and only true love; I already knew he was. However, during these types of struggle, I think it proves how strong love can be.

After all this time, in a way, I realized that the wait to get pregnant has been almost like a grieving process.

First you are like; "Well, no-one gets it the first try--or second." Denial.
Then you are like; "Not pregnant again? Graaaaaa. Maybe it's my fault." Anger.
After that you are like; "Okay Universe, I think that it's about time that we get pregnant. Pretty, pretty, please!" Bargaining.
Then it's like; "Oh, okay. My period again... I'll tell hubby it's a no-go again. *Sigh, Cry. What if it is not meant to be? *Sigh, Cry."Depression.
Finally, you debate the final stage of Acceptance; "I guess if it is not happening, we can focus on other things. Wait, but we haven't been trying for that long. Yeah, but how much torture should one take before you say 'that's it'?"

I wonder if subconsciously we do grieve the child that could have been, but wasn't. I guess we never do know. At least that is our experience so far.

It's the season to be grateful for what we have. So, I will be patient, though I won't expect anything. I will just wait and hope it happens, and have decided to take it one cycle at the time. I've heard people say that babies come when they want, not when we want. I will only pray that they are right, and that this little one is just taking it's time, because it want's to arrive fashionably late.

Thank you for reading this blog post, and I would love to hear your thoughts about this. Have a lovely start of the week.

Baby stuff, Baby stuff everywhere!

Week 10 was a lot of fun! I was able to get a short break from work, and before school starts and I have to get back into school related work, I took advantage of this time to organize all the baby things that I have bought in the last year and few months. I have to confess it was crazy! I did not realize how many things I had actually bought and obtained during this time.

First prenatal appointment.

Week 9 was a bit busy with work, and all I could think about was related to my first prenatal doctor appointment. Honestly the original reason for that appointment when I was making it was the normal routine pap smear, However the OB/GYN I wanted was so booked, that the next available appointment was almost a month and so after, yikes! It was good, it gave me the opportunity to psychologically prepare for this, because lets face it, who really likes going to one of these visits? No one, that is reality. However it is also true that it is necessary as preventive medicine to be able to catch the bad stuff on time and be treated. The reason why I call it the bad stuff, is because by giving it a name I make it important and I have already brained washed myself that I will not get the bad stuff, so if it does not exist in my head, the longer I avoid it in my life.

Dear 2015, may you bring us a baby this year!

Wow, after traveling during the past week for the holidays, I was ready to get home and organize, clean and have everything ready to receive the New Year. This was going to be a very exciting time. Though I usually do a few New Year traditions like; going in and out of the house with suitcases to promote traveling, and other things like that, this event was mostly about attracting the wish of becoming parents for the first time after a long wait. I held some of the cloth diapers that I have already gotten from my stash and I had them visible. I held the "Happy Baby" doll, that has helped me visualize my future little one and who has also helped me test some baby products before actually trying them on the real baby, and that helped me feel it even closer.

Ah, the Holidays!

Week 7 from this journey has been exciting and a little bit of a rush. Because we were planning to leave to go spend Christmas with my husband's family, I was running like crazy! Between buying last minute gifts, prepping the house to be by itself for a few days. Making sure that the cats were not going to burn down the house, or make any unsupervised parties without us being here, whatever happened first, there were a lot of things going on. We also had to make sure that the car was prepped for a 4 and a half hour drive to Santa Maria California. I do have to say that I wasn't looking forwards on that drive, as I get really stressed on the highway, lucky for me, I was not the one driving and I could just chillax and focus on something else. I was lucky that though I had to work that week while on our trip, I had the days off during the actual days we were driving, so I did not have to worry about having a wi-fi connection available or not. I also have to share that having the smart phone was very handy, as I was able to report all my way to our destination how everything was going. From freaking out in the cliffs passing Santa Barbara, to the "bridge of death" that is not really called that way, but I call it that way because it is really scary and high, to the lovely vineyards that were visible when we were so close to our destination. I have to say that it looked so green and lovely that it reminded me so much of Ireland. It is a fun trip for the most part. I take my shoes off, so I am more relaxed with the fact that I hate being in the highway for so long. I love the view when we get to Ventura and Santa Barbara, and the rest, is just the feeling that we are almost there when we pass all the lovely green scenery. Don't worry I will share some photos.

Just when you thought the craziness was over. Here comes week six, ahhhh!

Sorting baby stuff I have bought throughout the year

Week five has been more mellow, if you consider how crazy week four was. At least schools is almost over, so the work I do is almost done. I took advantage of this week, and started sorting through all the things that I have bought so far for the baby. Before, when I started buying baby things at the beginning of the year, I had everything in one of our suitcases, but as the year went by, that suitcase was not enough anymore. I had already filled out two suitcases, yes, the big ones, a duffel bag, a comic-con bag (You know, those big ones to take with you and roll your posters in), and lots of big plastic bags, mostly the same ones in which some of the things I bought came in. It was a lot of stuff, but it was really fun to see all the things I have gotten so far.

What a crazy week!

I started the week with my normal early morning walk. I had planned that the week was going to be amazing. I had purchased amazing things during Black Friday, and all I could do was wait for them, and enjoy them. I was also very excited about getting my organic prenatal vitamins. It just meant I was one step closer to getting pregnant.

Anxiously waiting for Black Friday

Most of this week had been all about deciding what to do with the money I had saved from my birthday and a bit that I had saved from a gig I was doing. I really wanted to buy something useful for the baby for next year, but I also really wanted to buy something for myself. The original idea was to buy a Sarah Wells bag, considering that I had $45 credit towards her bags that I had won in a giveaway, and I was only holding off to see if there was going to be any Black Friday sales in her site. The other thing I knew I had to get like NOW was the certified organic prenatal vitamins. As we are aiming to get pregnant during February, it is imperative that I start taking those as soon as possible just to be safe with the Folic Acid and any other minerals or vitamins that I might be lacking at the moment. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 1st and as far as I know, everything came back normal from my migraine complaints. So it is technically just a follow-up.

" What? You want to get pregnant now?!"

This past week has been interesting. Both my husband and I have been trying to get off a weird cold. It all started with very dry weather, very dry sinus, and a bloody nose, gross. I got better, but then you know how you can end up with a residue cough that just does not leave no matter what. That´s the stage I am at now.

“Choosing the right prenatal vitamins for us!”

This week has been like a shifting tornado. My husband and I have been fighting hard for a GMO-free lifestyle for over a year and let me tell you that though you can find a lot of organic products for cheap if you know how to look for them, it is really hard to go 100% organic. That is, if you want to keep on a budget.

Dear 2015, may you bring us a baby this year!

Ah, the Holidays!

Anxiously waiting for Black Friday

#HylandsMomMission

Missha & James

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